12 Days of Christmas (China remix)

Happy Holidays!

China Rage

This posting is dedicated to China rage, how one arrives at this state and how to alleviate said temperament.

Level 1:  Astonishment.  I was here for about the first 2 months in China.  Everything was amazing!  Wow, that old lady holding that tiny, bottomless baby who is urinating over a trashcan is amazing!  That old man with his shirt up over his buddha belly and hocking a giant loogie is amazing!  That girl wearing the 4-inch sequined blue high heels, leopard print mini-skirt and red and pink striped shirt is amazing!  That strange smell is amazing!  That dead, skinned dog hanging by a hook in that meat shop is amazing!

Level 2:  Disgust.  I was in this stage for about 1 month.  Everything that was previously amazing is now repulsive.

I would go back and forth between the two until I arrived at the inevitable Level 3:

CHINA RAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The pinnacle of my China rage occurred two weeks ago in Walmart when I was trying to purchase some feminine products.  I'm looking at my options when a salesgirl comes over and says something in Chinese.  She starts pointing to all the different options and I assume describing the benefits of each.  I say, "Bing tu dong" which means, "I don't understand."  She leaves, but promptly returns with some more lady products and starts talking in Chinese again.  Apparently, I look incapable of choosing panty liners.  I quickly grab a box from the shelves and walk towards the counter.  While I'm waiting in line, a group of about 4 sales girls gather around the checkout counter.  They are staring at me.  They are staring at the box of panty liners I've placed on the counter.  I tell them, "Yes, ladies.  American girls get their periods, too."  We are having a stare-down when I finally explode.  "WHAAAAAAAT?!"  One of the girls says, "Your eyes, beautiful."  I shut my eyes tight, look away, pay for my stuff and walk out.

This may seem harmless or almost flattering, but after 4 months of being stared at like some deformed human or extinct dinosaur, I'd just had it.

The cure for China Rage = Hong Kong
Hong Kong is a place where people say "excuse me" or "sorry."
Hong Kong is a place where people stay to the right of the sidewalk or escalator.
Hong Kong is a place where people dress nicely and nice clothes can be purchased.  Operative definition of nice clothes-garments that do not have sequins, lace, pleather, bows or the words "Fashion" or "Style" embroidered on them.
Hong Kong is a place where one can buy pretzels and deodorant.
Hong Kong is a place where no one stares.

Laila and I on the ferry en route to HK

Busses and bridges 

Visual ADD

Heaven is an IPA from America

Thanksgiving (in a foreign country)

I am thankful for international food stores

I am thankful for amazing Chinese street food

I am thankful for cocktails after a long week

I am thankful for toilet paper that comes wrapped with an adorable kitten on it and an exotic, local and highly "toxic" alcohol called bai jiu

Finally, I am most thankful for my friends and family

I don't know who the girl is in the middle

Differences

between America and China.

In America, the prizes in those crane games are stuffed animals or toys.

In China, you can win cigarettes.

In America, I used to live down the street from the Belgian Cafe.

In China, I live across the street from a pirate ship.

In America, people wear Dior boots.

In China, people wear these:

There are many differences, but the two countries can also unite.

Fearless leaders

I think it's about a monkey

About a month ago, a friend of mine asked me if I'd sing a Chinese song in her school's 10th anniversary celebration.  Sounded simple enough.  WRONG!  One month and countless hours of unanticipated practice time later, I ended up in head-to-toe traditional Chinese garb and makeup infront of hundreds of people on a professional theater stage singing a song that I did not understand.  It was completely ridiculous and hilarious.  DVD of performance is in the works.  In the meantime, enjoy the dressing room photos:

Somehow this is wrong, but words fail to articulate why

3 foreigners, the make-up lady and a local who actually knew what she was doing

"I KNOW HALLOWEEN!"

is what my students yelled when they saw the first slide of my powerpoint to acknowledge the very Western Pagen holiday.

I made a second grader cry when I showed her class a video of an animated haunted house.  It was a cartoon.  C'mon.

Dialogue between teacher and student-
Me:  If you could dress up as anything or anybody for Halloween, what would you be?
Sixth grade male student:  I would be Obama.
Me:  Interesting choice.  Why would you be Obama?
Sixth grade male student:  I would be Obama because I think he very handsome.
Me:  <no response>

At least my students are speaking in nearly complete sentences.

Another dialogue between teacher and student;
Fifth grade female student:  I don't like Halloween.
Me:  Why don't you like it?  It is supposed to be a fun holiday.
Fifth grade female student:  It is too scary.
Me:  <no response>

Clearly something got lost in translation when Halloween was first introduced to China.

Can't wait to start teaching about Christmas. . .

New Roommate

 Please meet Mr. Shelby.  He was given to me and named by my 5th graders.

I think he may need a turtle hospice.  He has not been very active as of late, but he's definitely still alive.  Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated at this time.

Musique

5 years in Philly and I never played a proper gig.

10 weeks in China and I'm playing a Saturday night in one of the hot spots in Shenzhen.

http://www.shenzhenstuff.com/events/the-jafarians-live-enigma

I heart China

Documentation of the evening:

Vague Chinese Holiday Makes Way for Grimy Asian Adventure

The first week of October is known as National Holiday.  I know nothing about this other than the entire country has off for a week and everyone either goes to their hometown or to a tourist attraction.  Because my hometown is over 8,000 miles away, I opted to travel to a Chinese city called Yangshuo.  It is known for its gorgeous and unusual landscape of limestone mountains with the Li River cutting through the city.

After a 10 hour ride on a sleeper bus, we arrived in Yangshuo at 5am and navigated ourselves to the grimiest hostel I've ever stayed in.  It doubled as the home of the owner and his entire family (brother, sister, sister-in-law, niece, mother and other unidentified family members).

We all fell in love with housemate, Ruby, though she also acted as an early morning alarm clock.

Our first trip was down (or up) the Li River on a bamboo raft.  The first half was delightful as we admired the beautiful scenery and attempted to chat with our raft driver in Chinese.  The second half was awkward because Sean and I had refused to look at or purchase the photos that were taken of us going down a little ramp that our driver surely received a cut of.

Lady was all smiles until we didn't want to buy the pictures

Every lunch and dinner was spent on the main street in Yangshuo called West Street.  It was full of both Western and Chinese restaurants, bars, shops and carts selling handmade goods.  The hours between 6pm and 10pm reminded me of Venice in the summer or when I saw Red Hot Chili Peppers at the Spectrum when I was 14 and I was at the very front in general admission and I thought I was going to die from the sea of people.  I did make good purchases of silk pashminas and handmade jewelry and bargained a T-shirt from 95 kuai ($15) to 30 kuai ($5).

West Street by day

West Street by night

Day 2:  we were awakened at 4:40am by the owner's brother telling us we had to leave right away in order to make it to the motorized bamboo raft ride.  We were so early the boat drivers weren't even there.  The scenery was beautiful, but it was difficult to enjoy because of the obnoxious hour and cold temperatures.

Day 3:  it poured all day.  We didn't even leave the room.

Final Day:  rode bikes to Moon Hill Cave where we striped down to our undergarments and some to nothing! and played in both a mud pool and a hot spring.  Pinnacle of griminess.

Those helmets came in handy

Overall, it was an experience to see another part of China and a beautiful part of the world.  I think the following picture sums up what National Holiday means to me:

Typhoon Nesat

This is a first:  no school because of a typhoon.  Think snow day, but South East Asia style.

My location:  Find the eye of the storm and then travel straight up until you hit the coast.    That's Shenzhen!

Everyone should have a birthday in China

The 10th anniversary of my 21st birthday consisted of the following:

1)  Waking up next to an adorable kitten that I found on the steps of my apartment building.  It ended up being more like a one night stand as I put him outside in the morning.  I have no business having a pet in China.

2)  A delicious vegetarian dinner where I was presented with a birthday gift of pretzels; my favorite snack which is nearly impossible to locate in China.

3)  EPIC KTV with about 30 of my friends, both American and Chinese.

Shane "wants it that way."

4)  Things begin to get fuzzy here.  Drinks and cake at a beer garten (Chinese beer garten = an old basketball court with tables and chairs and a lady pouring pitchers of unnamed beer).

Birthday cake

Shane, Connor and Chinese friend, Irene.

Many thanks to my friends in China for making this birthday one for the books.

There's more than just orange soda in there.  And Nina is oh so classy drinkin out of a plastic bag.

The Terrible Towel makes a birthday appearance on the metro.

Danielle, Jennifer and Christiane

My miraculous ability to be okay with the unknown in China

About a week ago, I was told by a teacher friend that I could chose one of four days to take off from work for teachers' day.  The deal was I had to reschedule my classes for one afternoon and the following morning.  Sounded great!  I was looking forward to an afternoon to do some errands and exploring and then sleep in the next morning.  A few days later, this same teacher friend reminded me about rescheduling my classes for the day that I "go and play with the other teachers."  Woah, woah, woah!  I thought I had the afternoon and morning to myself.  When I asked about what we were "playing" she just responded with, "you play."

A few days before I was to embark on the trip, I asked said teacher friend where we would be "playing."  She said East Shenzhen.  East Shenzhen is the size of Rhode Island.  I then inquired about what I should bring and her answer was, "maybe a hat."

Wednesday morning was the day I was to "play with other teachers in East Shenzhen."  I packed a pair of shorts and a toothbrush into my bag and hoped for the best.  After lunch, about 20 teachers and myself packed ourselves into a van and drove an hour to a resort on a mountain overlooking the sea.  We spent all day in an amusement park going on rides and looking at spectacular views from atop the mountains. Dinner was a banquet-like feast and afterwards we watched a dancing/acrobatic/fire and fountain show at an outside amphitheater.  After a restful sleep in a great hotel room and a breakfast buffet that had COFFEE and CEREAL!!!, we headed back to school in time for lunch.

The adventures continue. . .
Next up:  everyone should have a birthday in China